She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
