I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
tell me about the eggs
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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