She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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