how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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