My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
