I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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