Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
