Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
