it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
