I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
