If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
