Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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