I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
