just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
