I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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