the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
