my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
