why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
