I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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