i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
