Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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