maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
