I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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