i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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