I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
