You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
