I think my fart just growled at me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
COCAINE IS GR8
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