some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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