I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
