Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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