I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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