Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
