I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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