Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
