Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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