google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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