There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
