The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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