You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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