...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
