He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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