i just sent this text using only my big toe
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
