Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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