on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
