you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
