please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
