new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
