So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
