My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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