He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
