mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
