Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
